Suprises!

I love surprises. Honest, true, fabulous surprises. There's nothing like them. I'm not talking about getting a ring from someone you've been dating. Or opening a present on Christmas morning. Those are a form of surprises, but in a way, they could be considered "expected". I'm talking about something happening that you had NO idea would or could. Those are the BEST! They get your heart beating a little faster than normal and an imminent grin is flushed across your face- neither reaction you can control. It's great! What makes a surprise even more exasperating is when it's from someone you care about. Someone who means the world to you. And when you've been doubting your worth to them, and they pull off one of these phenomenal surprises... well that feeling is nothing short of unbelievable! Something like that can pull you up from the depths of depression and make your days worth living again. Life can toss you a lot of shitty stuff, but I've learned that I have to cherish the little things that lift me up. And I will forever treasure each surprise I get.

Surprises... gotta love 'em!!!

Good ol' friend Irony...

I guess I have to resort to you ol' Mr. Blog. You'll have to bear with me if I seem a bit tweaked (more than usual).

I am not one to claim perfection. I do claim to be a perfectionist, but I recognize and acknowledge my failures. One thing I can claim though, is the extreme dedication to my friends and family. Loyal is an understatement. I've often been told I'm too loyal... but I believe that can never be the case. I don't think that the Big Guy upstairs, on my Judgement Day, will make me explain my loyalty to those close to me. And if that's the worse charactereristic I have to explain, well I'm feeling pretty good about my time at the Pearly Gates!! Give me a moment of self-adulation (which I must stress is highly unlike me): I would do anything for any of my friends. Nothing short of death. I live my life to improve others'. No, I'm not Mother Theresa or the Pope, but I do all that I think my little soul can do to try and see that no one doubts their existence or importance on this Earth. Here's where that little guy irony comes into play......

I now find myself doubting my existence. In my attempts to be what I consider a good friend, I am the one left being hated and demoralized. With not one negative or foul utterence coming from my mouth, I am thought worse than the creations of pure evil in this world. I have never done anything in my life with evil intent. I never tried to destroy someone's life, someone's happiness, just for 'fun' or because I, myself, am miserable. I have never created falsehoods and then hidden behind a broken heart as a defense. I am as honest as I think I can be. I hide nothing. But just because I don't share EVERYTHING... especially something that has no meaning and can really cause more harm than good.... that makes me a Spawn of Satan!?!? I can't comprehend that. I'm really struggling. Worse than I have in my entire life. I don't want to think that I might not be considered the type of friend I live my life to be. I'm actually having EXTREME difficulties with that. I would lay my life on the line... along with all my wordly possessions and anything else that was asked, for a friend, but I'm made to feel like this?!?! I can't. I just can't.

Maybe it is time for a real life journal.... or maybe a dictation of my life as told by.... me! I suppose it would be nice to have something physical to leave behind, telling your story, when you're gone. I mean, I love the age o' the internet, don't get me wrong. But it is almost historic, or even chilling, to leave behind memoirs that can bring you back to life just through words. Interesting.

I've said my piece. Good bye Mr. Blog!

Intriguing

I feel a stab of guilt for ignoring my blog. Then again, seeing as how I'm pretty much the only person (aside from #10) who reads it, I suppose guilt is futile. However, this little blog thing has often times been a comfort, my own personal woogy if you will, for me. I never had a journal growing up- mostly out of fear of my older brother conviscating it and distributing amoungst the local teenage community- so I guess I have a built up longing to write internal dialogue with no consequence. Intriguing.

"The little voice inside of you"- have you heard it? Literally 'heard' words from an unknown source reverbrating in your head? Until today, I suppose mine had a case of laryngitis that lasted over 2 1/2 decades. I literally heard it today. I say this with much caution, for with my already unstable impression I impose upon the general public, admitting I have heard a voice inside of me..... well that would make a very strong case for permanent commital to the psych ward. I digress; the voice I heard was not one that the evil people of the world hear and abide to. For it was one of advice on an intense issue that has caused much stress in my recent life. My shoulders feel weight free and my heart actually lightened... all because of the vocals of an unknown source. Thanks little guy! = )