I'm Sorry
I never meant to mess up like I did last year. I can't explain it. All I know is it was out of character for me and will never happen again. I'm sorry it's scarred you so badly. I'd give anything to be able to go back in time and change what I did. I'm sorry I can't. I hope one day, your scar will heal, and you might not look back on our life together without too much disgust. I did give you my all. I hope one day you'll believe that.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
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I know that I said some things that upset you, hurt you, crushed you, devastated you...I really am sorry. No excuses, maybe just explanations...I just really don't think I've properly healed yet. And I think of times that could have helped me to heal...here's an example that stands out in my mind...one night in your room, your phone was on silent, and I asked you about it, and you got a little bit defensive. I didn't feel like you understood, why I was hesitant or wondering, or WHY I could have been wondering. I have been where you were that night. You've asked me things like that, and I think I've been pretty understanding, and did my best to reassure you that it was nothing. I just think of times when I've felt things, and been scared to ask you, for fear of getting bad. You may feel I should be past it, or over it...and it's hard, and maybe I should be...but when you get mad at me for times when I feel you should understand why I am questioning things, or why I am wondering...it doesn't mean it's because I think or feel you're really doing something...it's just nice to hear that you're not. But you get defensive.
I just think that I tried really hard to push it away for the longest time. I think I am now (and recently) trying to deal with the reality of what happened. I really am not trying to turn things around on you, or make you feel bad so maybe you'll want to give me another chance. I'm just purely trying to make sense of everything. I don't know why I am so quick to get mad. I really just think that I'm not healed yet. I want to be healed...believe me, I do. I just get scared of talking about it, for fear of fighting...for fear of thoughts coming into my head...just for fear, period. I am scared to think about it all.
I do love you more than you'll ever know. More than I'll ever be able to show you. I'm so sorry that I've said things that have hurt you so deeply. I really do feel bad. I feel so bad, that it's even hard to look at you. I don't know why I lost my senses, but I did. I'm sorry. I'll forever be sorry.
The last thing I want to do is lose you. And if I've pushed it to that, then I don't know how I'll ever live with myself. Well...I can't live without you. You make me feel so many things that I didn't know were possible. I really believe we were put here to be together...and if you don't believe that any longer, I understand. I'm so sorry. So sorry.
I wonder why you're scared to talk to me. I'm pretty sure I've never gotten upset at all when you've asked me questions about this topic. And about that night my phone was on silent, well I don't even remember that. But I know if you asked me accusingly, not inquisitively, then I'd probably get a little defensive. I've told you from day one I'd willingly answer any questions you had about everything. And, ESPECIALLY with how good we had been, I don't understand your fear to talk to me. You even thanked me for being able to talk to me last week.
I've been where you've been times three with worse pain. Not taking a shot, but telling you that you can't tell me anything that I haven't felt. I know about wanting healing. I know about the fear of the truth. I know about getting curious over little things. And I can say, I never got horrible to you. I never went too far. I never crossed every line. Ever. Why? Because I kept my main goal in mind.
I don't really know what to say. I just want to stop crying. I am learning to hate late June/early July in my life.
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